Hello darkness, my old friend.

A sincere apology and acknowledgment of mental illness.

Hello again.

Pop the kettle on for this one. It’s been a while since we last chatted, and I owe you an update and an apology. I’ve tried to write this post more times than I can count. So, where have I been? Why the radio silence?

The shortest answer I can give is bipolar.

A depressive episode arrived unexpectedly, to say the least. Normally, there’s a gentle prod (but no more than that) in late summer. Then the dastardly shadow bides its time, patiently waiting in the back of my mind, before crashing the party and wreaking havoc around New Year.

Historically, those episodes are usually pretty bad. I’m grateful that this isn’t a full-blown crash into darkness. This one feels more like vacationing around the event horizon. My partner, my folks, medication, physical exercise (I am now a gym rat), and sessions with my psychologist all help to keep me from spiralling.

What really took me by surprise was how quickly it took hold. All joy, passion, and motivation simply evaporated, literally overnight.

It’s hard to describe how frightening that can be.

One moment I was bursting with ideas, juggling several articles, posting daily on Instagram, filming content for clients, publishing here twice a week. Then suddenly… nothing. Silence. Like part of your mind simple dropped the shutters with an impromptu “Out to lunch” sign swinging from the handle.

No ideas. No interest in the garden whatsoever. Just brain fog. I’ve spent just two days in a garden since September. One was my own, clearing storm-thrashed tomatoes. The other was my parents’, where I helped replant two acers. More of a weight-lifting workout than gardening, really.

If you write a publication post, here on Substack, you see two simple words:

Start writing…

Well, right now, that seems a greater challenge than climbing Ben Nevis in a budgie smuggler and crocs. It might as well say: Explain string theory and quantum mechanics.

So, the longer answer to my silence is that depression has temporarily robbed me of my inspiration.

I have literally nothing to write about. Apart from this.

Even though I’ve lived with depressive cycles for most of my adult life, I still feel acute shame and guilt, coupled with intense frustration. Despite knowing it’s biological and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. These cycles will always come and go. It’s simply the nature of rapid-cycling bipolar.

I suppose full acceptance will take time.

What does this mean for you, my dear reader?

In the short term, it means waiting a little longer for normal service (and brain function) to resume. If you’re a paid subscriber, I stopped payments and dropped the paywall on 6 October. You should not have had any payments after that date. If you have, please message me.

If you paid a year in advance, I can offer you a refund, or if you’re happy to give me a little wiggle room and recovery time, I’ll repay that kindness with a complimentary subscription or free ebooks.

I can’t say yet when I’ll start writing regularly again. I do feel better, though. The clouds are lifting, as they say. Storms always pass, and that’s a comfort.

I know I’m not alone. Many of you will feel the gloom of autumn and winter more keenly than others. Just remember to be kind to yourself. Farewell for now.

Your gardening chum,

Elliott 💚

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P.S. These little things do help / have helped me:

• Physical exercise. Intense weight training helps clear my mind and serves as two hours of mindfulness.

• Getting outside. Especially when you don’t feel like it. A morning walk, allowing your eyes to take in true daylight (even on overcast days) is a real boost.

• Reducing alcohol. Just a glass here and there.

• Eating well. Whole foods, home-cooked.

• Setting my alarm. Even on days off. I’ve found too much sleep feeds the monster lurking in the periphery.

• Mental wallpapering. Putting on a favourite film or TV show, something I can watch without really thinking or stressing. Usually Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, or Red Dwarf.

• Reducing social media and news exposure. The socials can lead your brain down a dark alley of comparison and irritation. Best avoided.